A couple of things happened this week that had me down...most too personal to share here. Just know it has to do with family. To top it off I haven't been able to talk to Celeste, and the two seconds that I got with her last night were cut short....I was pretty frustrated. So I wrote my friend a much needed note. We usually write each other notes when we need a place to record a journal like entry, but need someone to read it and I thought it was the perfect opportunity. I thought that would be all I needed, just someone to see my pain. But then my mom came into my room and it all just fell apart.
I couldnt stand holding this burden by myself any longer and I told her how I just can't find happiness. I told her how despite the hardships of the past month I had been able to be happy and now its vacant. I have been disappointed by certain people in my life the past week and I told her all about them and how its just not right at this moment. Everything that can is going wrong and it has no reason to! I see and can count all of my blessings and I would dare say I am one of the most blessed in the world. This is a little awkward balance of the scales. But my mom knew exactly what to say and it made complete sense.
I have a set date for my patriarchal blessing. Because the patriarch was hurt, I have to wait six weeks from my interview date before I can get it. Getting this blessing is a huge step in spiritual maturity, a step Satan would hate me to take....and he will do anything to stop me from getting it. She thinks getting the blessing is up there with going to the temple and going on missions. When people have those dates set, Satan is working his hardest in the days that lead up. She also explained that, while I should not take this in a conceited way or feel like I'm responsible for everyone, I have a lot of people who look up to me. I give a lot of people advice and help them through their day to day problems. I have siblings who I need to be an example to. If I allow something to bother or hurt me, people who are watching will see that even though I was strong before, I wasn't strong enough and that is a ripple effect that will hurt those secret people. Not that it's my fault, but satan knows how to work things. I need to let that inner happiness shine through so that they can see I know it's there and I can get through it. Afterwards, she let me read her patriarchal blessing. It was nice to be able to see what type of person she is in the eyes of God and see how mine will sort of be.
So, I have a feeling this next month is going to be challenging. I will get thrown whatever is possible at me; friends, school, feelings of not being good enough, whatever....Satan knows my weaknesses. I'm going to have to be strong and do everything possible to choose the right. I'm going to need to surround myself with good people, ways to spend my time, and spiritual encouragement. In the note to my friend I told her that I know I'm being whiny but I'm going to need her help this month to be patient and encouraging. I hope that everyone will be understanding, and I also hope that I don't use it as an excuse. I can't wait until I prove to Satan I am prepared, I am ready, and I've got a solid testimony. Getting that blessing and getting through these months will make me such a better person, a person more prepared to be with her Heavenly Father.
I ended my night by getting a priesthood blessing. The blessing was nice and I hope it gives me the boost I need. Afterwards I knelt down and just pondered while I prayed. It's the most sincere prayer I've said in months. This morning I felt happy, joyous even. My heart was light and I felt peace. I know that this month will be very difficult, but I'm ready.
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