I have been really selfish lately. Granted, I’m doing it cuz ‘others are doing it’, but, it gives me no right, makes the situation worse, and doesn’t improve me any. And the situation remains the same, yet, it spirals downward because we live in this twisted vision of everything having to be even. You complain, that merits me a complaint, which merits Bob a complaint, which merits Sally a complaint, which means you get to complain. It’s vicious.
I hate this standstill of stubbornness. “I need to do better.” “Why do I personally need to do better?!” “If only they would change.” “My changing could do amazing works with Heavenly Father’s help.” “I am capable of anything.” “Heavenly Father isn’t listening.” “Heavenly Father is the only one who understands.” “I am progressing.” “I am failing.” I wish that that nudge would come from within and just, TADA!, I’d do better. Unfortunately, that’s not coming.
I wish that I could magically go back to that positive girl that is in there; apparently she’s playing a really good game of hide and go seek.
I wish that I could understand why I’m going through what I’m going through. Who in my family isn’t? I wish that calm collected girl would return and the one who cries a few times a day at just a thought would disappear. At least I’m coming to terms. I’ve had some really awesome experiences the past little while; I just need to remember to be happy! Remember who’s looking out for me. Remember that in time, all things pass. Remember that no one will remember me, or their opinion won’t matter, in even 3 years.
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